A fresh wave of anguish flooded over me as I recalled past conversations between me and almost everyone around me. They had been family, romantic companions, best friends, sisters of the heart, and now these relationships were either damaged, or on the verge of destruction. I had no desire to reconcile. I just felt like […]
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It’s not you, it’s me

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A fresh wave of anguish flooded over me as I recalled past conversations between me and almost everyone around me. They had been family, romantic companions, best friends, sisters of the heart, and now these relationships were either damaged, or on the verge of destruction. I had no desire to reconcile. I just felt like letting everyone go, and enjoy the serenity of my own company.

Sometimes it’s niceness and naivety. We want to believe our friends can be trusted and have enough empathy to sense when they’re pushing our boundaries or draining us. Sadly, some people in general don’t have boundaries so don’t recognize other people’s boundaries and they lack empathy because they are so focused on their own self. These are people whose needs can never be satiated. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough.

Commitment. One key word in every relationship. Commitment, is all knowing and rational, it is what prevents you from throwing away what links you have with someone, just because they sometimes drive you crazy or frustrate you. Attachment, on the contrary, was irrational, it meant clinging to someone and sucking all life from them, because we thought to have none without them. I tended to be a committed person towards my people, never attached. You could never promise someone “forever”, you couldn’t promise them that one day you weren’t going to sleep and wake up feeling differently about everything, people changed, circumstances changed, and events definitely scarred and reshaped our soul and identity; and as the core remained the same, we would start thinking in another way, want other things, and aim in another direction.

When I began to recognize that some of my relationships were a drag, and a burden, I found the way to unload. I woke up one day and couldn’t keep strolling through my life with the same old grace, I turned to look behind my back and found out that it transformed into a seven-seater car with heavy luggage.. As my knees bucked and I fell to the ground, I learned I needed to void the excess baggage, and stand back up on my feet, that’s when I first said NO to someone. I set the boundaries, I showed people that I valued my alone time more than anything in the world, and that some days I just felt like sitting with myself, chatting and traveling through the realms of my own mind and imagination.

This was just who I am, it was not their fault, for they were designed the way they are too. When I took a step back, keeping distance from being dragged into other people’s lives, most of them were taken aback at first, the ones that didn’t understand my complexity, and my preferences, left and scattered away, then there were the real people, my lifetime companions, who learned to accept how I lived, and how I ruled and ran my life. When you are truly comfortable with who you are, not everybody will like you, but you would definitely find the right ones.

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