Like the beads of a broken necklace, my relationships were detached one after another, following the first gem. I lost that feeling of belonging and retreated to my shell, I no longer could share, talk, dig too deep or drown in intimacy. I couldn’t utter a personal word, a private feeling or thought, the process […]
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Rhapsodies

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Like the beads of a broken necklace, my relationships were detached one after another, following the first gem.

I lost that feeling of belonging and retreated to my shell, I no longer could share, talk, dig too deep or drown in intimacy. I couldn’t utter a personal word, a private feeling or thought, the process itself became sickening and intense. I was covered with a thick layer of ice, that no matter how they scratched and burned the surface, it didn’t break nor melt.

I needed to detach from all emotion in order to get over the vulnerability of one. Love, pain, fear, anger and compassion wrapped themselves in one large package of human interactions, intertwined and inseparable, a territory I couldn’t allow myself to venture at the moment.

Detachment, different from non-attachment, meant letting go, dropping one thing though, lead me to throw everything. I was fully aware of that fact, only I had no will power nor strength to fight back, to restrain myself, to lock my demons, to stop the void sucking all my inside.

I still can’t figure out if that is a good thing or not, being able to step in and out of myself within seconds, to stand on the outside and look at everything from afar, to wallow in the holy land of silence and solitude, and to find peace in that place.. Well sometimes anyway, even though you know something is a mistake, you just got to make it anyway.

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