At one point, on a sleepless night, browsing become somehow nonsensical, I just scrolled down the pages aimlessly, not looking at something specific but deep down feeling like I have a destination at the end of that page. I was looking blankly ahead, with incoherent ideas, stopping at the most random things I saw, and […]
"/>

Shadows

At one point, on a sleepless night, browsing become somehow nonsensical, I just scrolled down the pages aimlessly, not looking at something specific but deep down feeling like I have a destination at the end of that page. I was looking blankly ahead, with incoherent ideas, stopping at the most random things I saw, and going through figments of articles without really understanding what is before me.

It is the only calm moment I got in my not so recent hectic days, so when I woke up in the middle of the night, I didn’t battle to go back to sleep, for this proved to be a lost cause anyway, I adjusted my sight to the light coming from my laptop, the only sound now was its fans desperately trying to cool off the heat, and the humming of the air conditioner which hasn’t been cleansed in what felt like forever. Going from page to page, not thinking about what it is that I wanted to find, I scrolled. And with each scroll of the mouse, an idea, a memory, a hope burst into life and came to occupy that current space in my mind.

Being a middle child you become accustomed to your own company, and with a unique set of mind and understanding, I actually didn’t dread being alone at all, I liked to wallow in my loneliness, having smart, witty, funny and quite chatty conversations with myself. And this time of the night, was perfect to plan, reassess and judge, thinking clearly with no pressure on – except that I would totally regret not sleeping a few hours later at work, but it’s not like the matter is entirely in my hands anyway.

Sitting crossed legged on my bed, everything goes blank again, memories flood all over the place, it’s about the time I finally let go of everything, became completely and utterly detached from the world, “Life is no competition, I’m tired of running marathons”, a younger version of me thought to herself, always thriving to be on top, the best in everything, I grew tired of all the stress, the pressure, the panic. Letting go of that didn’t mean I would be average, for I excelled in what made me who I was: A unique human being, with a dashing personality, so different from anyone else. Conformity is a social force thrust on every child, to behave, act and think alike, and one thing I no longer had interest in, was to succeed being the best copy of everyone around me.

I’ve read once, that many people die with their music still in them, and it was because everyone was so scared of showing who they really were, wanting to fit in, to get with the norms implemented on us by our parents and theirs before them, that we hide our true genuine self, everyone would like you then, but you would have lost and damaged yourself.

Monotony, Conformity, Security, such big words holding chains and barriers within their syllables, at this point none of them made sense, going from horizontal explanations, to vertical scrolling of the articles, all the thoughts were encircling in my brain. Nonsense is when we go through the line of one matter, learn the lesson, the beginning and its end, too scared to jump to another parallel life, close down the line, and repeat everything all over again.

Related Posts
Follow

Follow this blog

Get every new post delivered right to your inbox.

Email address

%d bloggers like this: