“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” ― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis I hung up the phone, and suddenly it struck me, what the hell have I done? It was a pattern now, for the past two weeks were so […]
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The Drama Of Contradictions

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“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

I hung up the phone, and suddenly it struck me, what the hell have I done?

It was a pattern now, for the past two weeks were so strange, I didn’t recognize who I was any longer. I was acting, and I was thinking, but these two processes were not linked to each other in any sort, when I acted, my brain froze, it didn’t analyze, nor order the act, and when I thought, I did nothing about it, the ideas stayed still until they vanished or moved into archive, waiting to be filed and stored, somewhere safe, where no one could pry on them, where they couldn’t be found. I was reckless, and for the first time, my biggest fear was myself.

I was unbearably unhappy with it all, my body was acting on its own accord, it didn’t belong to me, the organs in my body were starting to detach from each other, the heart beat on a tempo so far off from my brain’s, and my limbs were ruled by something primal, animalistic that I didn’t understand. I couldn’t manage what was rushing into me, something I couldn’t decipher. I still don’t.

It all somehow showed in my eyes, dead as a corpse, no gleam to them, they were distant, unmoved, and tears that always threatened to come out, were shut, unable to leave my tired body, my overworked mind, and my aching heart. And when I couldn’t even explain it to myself, the answer came abruptly, from someone else, when I couldn’t find the words to describe it, when I thought I didn’t feel anything at all, I learned that I felt everything, but couldn’t put them in order, couldn’t separate them from the now sick soul, I was simply overwhelmed.

Today is the oldest I’ve ever been, and the youngest I’ll ever be, eternal metamorphosis, in and out of darkness, vile souls into the lands of the unknown.

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